Humans have an instinctive need to belong. When this need is not met, there are reactions within our bodies that are comparable to actual physical and psychological pain. The pain of loneliness even uses the same pathways as physical pain in our bodies. Loneliness is a natural response to help protect us. Just like physical pain tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies, the feeling of loneliness arises as a way to protect us from the dangers of remaining isolated.
What is loneliness?
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Loneliness occurs when the connections a person needs in life are greater than the connections they have. When a person feels that the do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging, that is loneliness. Because it’s so subjective, not everyone feels loneliness the same way or for the same reason.
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Loneliness is like hunger, a signal we're lacking something for survival." |
How does loneliness impact your health and happiness?
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Loneliness activates a sensation of threat within our bodies. This increases the hormone cortisol which can cause inflammation and can ultimately lead to disease and death.
Feeling lonely is not something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. We all feel lonely at times, regardless of our age, life experiences, or background. Everyone will have a different experience of loneliness and different reasons for feeling that way. Often, loneliness can make us less open to social situations, so taking steps to alleviate it is important. There is no one way to deal with loneliness, but there are different things that can and do help. |
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Loneliness is as bad for our health as smoking nearly a pack of cigarettes per day. |
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Loneliness increases the risk of developing dementia by 50% for older adults. |
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Loneliness contributes to increased risk of depression, anxiety, fatigue, and obesity. |
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Loneliness contributes to lowered immunity and more fragmented sleep. |
Are you lonely?
Recognition and awareness are important first steps to escaping loneliness. This short survey will ask you questions that will help you evaluate if you could be experiencing loneliness. Even if you are not currently experiencing loneliness, taking the survey could be helpful to you and for those you care about.
How can you cope?Doctors, therapists and researchers have developed some great strategies to help with loneliness. Sociologists have also identified the ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends organically. Continuous unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability are key. Even simple things like smiling can raise the happiness hormones in your body!
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This chart shows what Americans are doing to cope with loneliness. Notice, that not all the ways chosen are healthy.
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Simple strategies to combat loneliness & where to start
- Do some volunteering.
- Read fiction with characters you enjoy.
- Join a club, organization, or church that aligns with your interests.
- Reach out to a close friend or family member.
- Check programs at the library and community center.
- Spend time with pets.
- Take a continuing education course or class.
- Re-watch your favorite movies and tv shows.
- Practice being a good friend and learn more about friendship, and be a good friend to yourself.
- Strike up conversations.
- Think about special memories you’ve had with others, write them down or draw them.
- Make a schedule and stick to it.
- Make a phone call.
- Participate in the arts or sports.
- Exercise and spend some time outside.
- Recount and list the things you’re grateful for.
- Smile. It raises feel good, happiness hormones in our bodies.
Remember that we all have times when we feel lonely. Taking just a few of the steps above can help reduce your loneliness and should help you start to feel better. If you’ve tried some of these suggestions for some time but are still feeling lonely, consider seeking help from a professional counselor.
Where to Start
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U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy has said that the keys to connection are simple. He suggests four things to help alleviate loneliness, saying, "These steps may seem small, but they are extraordinarily powerful."
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Recipe for Friendship
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Having friends and consistently interacting with them helps us in so many ways. But what do we do to help grow a friendship? Sociologists have identified the ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends: continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability. The ingredients of friendship are:
Finding groups or activities you enjoy in the community, through a club, church, continuing education, or volunteer organization can sometimes feel overwhelming; setting small goals can make starting easier and more comfortable. Whatever and however you decide to try to work through your loneliness, be gentle and patient with yourself.
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One of the best ways to find people you may want to have as a friend, is to start with a common interest. Identifying your interests is an inward journey, and it relies on looking at yourself and what you value in life.
- First identify your interests. What do you enjoy? What helps you to feel good about your life? What are your goals?
- Next find your tribe -those people who share an interest with you. Find the places where these people can be found and discover ways that you can participate with them.
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How to identify your interestsNot sure what you're interested in? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help identify your interests:
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Points to remember
- We all need to be intentional about building and fostering social connections in our life, this needs to be a consistent vital priority.
- There is a difference between experiencing loneliness and experiencing solitude. Philosopher, Paul Tillich, defined them well. "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.
- Across age groups, people are spending less time with each other in person, and there is a pervasive decline in the social fabric of our lives. In recent decades, people are participating much less in things that used to bring us together, from community organizations to recreational leagues and faith groups, and the lack of the face-to-face sociability that those activities brought, has contributed to a sense of being disconnected and lonely.
- Loneliness is often not constant -it tends to ebb and flow, sometimes coming and going at random.
- Technology can be a valuable tool in helping to reduce loneliness and can be beneficial in forming and maintaining relationships. But the amount of time spent in front of a screen can take away from the time that is needed to grow friendships and other beneficial relationships. What is important isn't how many friendships and relationships we have online or in person, but the quality of them.
- Dedicating time to fostering positive relationships is the key to reducing loneliness; making this a priority in our lives will not only make us as individuals happier, but will help create a healthier community.
Make friends while doing good!
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Whether you live in the Village of Kenmore or not, we're here to help. The Kenmore Village Improvement Society (KVIS) is a group of people just like you who volunteer to help make our neck of the woods as good as possible in as many ways as needed. So many friendships have grown through participating in the KVIS. We find that friendships grow naturally as we work together on loving up on our community; we're not focused on growing friendships, it's just what happens as we work together. We welcome you to join in and make new friends along the way! We welcome people from all communities and walks of life. Membership to the KVIS is free and open to anyone, living anywhere, who cares about Kenmore.
Volunteer and learn more about the Kenmore Village Improvement Society. This website is made possible by a grant from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and by Erie County, NY, Legislator, Michael Kooshoian.
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