Humans have an instinctive need to belong.  When this need is not met, there are reactions within our bodies that are comparable to actual physical and psychological pain. The pain of loneliness even uses the same pathways as physical pain in our bodies.  Loneliness is a natural response to help protect us.  Just like physical pain tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies, the feeling of loneliness arises as a way to protect us from the dangers of remaining isolated. 

What is loneliness?

Loneliness occurs when the connections a person needs in life are greater than the connections they have.  When a person feels that the do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging, that is loneliness.  Because it’s so subjective, not everyone feels loneliness the same way or for the same reason.

Loneliness is like hunger, a signal we're lacking something for survival." 
​- US surgeon general Vivek Murthy​

How does loneliness impact your health and happiness?

Loneliness activates a sensation of threat within our bodies. This increases the hormone cortisol which ​can cause inflammation and can ultimately lead to disease and death.
​
Feeling lonely is not something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. We all feel lonely at times, regardless of our age, life experiences, or background. Everyone will have a different experience of loneliness and different reasons for feeling that way. Often, loneliness can make us less open to social situations, so taking steps to alleviate it is important. There is no one way to deal with loneliness, but there are different things that can and do help. ​​

1
Loneliness is as bad for our health as smoking nearly a pack of cigarettes per day.

50%
Loneliness increases
​the risk of developing
dementia ​by 50% for older adults.

⬆
Loneliness contributes
​to increased risk of depression, anxiety, fatigue, and obesity.

⬇
Loneliness contributes
​to lowered immunity and more fragmented sleep.

Are you lonely?

Recognition and awareness are important first steps to escaping loneliness.  This short survey will ask you questions that will help you evaluate if you could be experiencing loneliness.  Even if you are not currently experiencing loneliness, taking the survey could be helpful to you and for those you care about.  ​​

Take the Loneliness Survey

How can you cope?

Doctors, therapists and researchers have developed some great strategies to help with loneliness.  Sociologists have also identified the ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends organically. Continuous unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability are key. Even simple things like smiling can raise the happiness hormones in your body! 

This chart shows what Americans are doing to cope with loneliness. Notice, that not all the ways chosen are healthy.  

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Simple strategies to combat loneliness & where to start​

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Suggestions from workshop participants

We spent a year holding workshops at various locations for clubs, organizations, senior centers, etc.  At the end of each workshop we asked each participant to answer some questions about the ways they may have experienced loneliness and social isolation.  These are the results.  
​Causes of Loneliness

• Major life transitions (e.g., retirement, moving, becoming an empty nester)
• Loss of a loved one (spouse, parent, friend, pet)
• Living alone or feeling isolated
• Lack of close relationships or social connections
• Physical illness or disability
• Lack of trust in others or feeling misunderstood
• Changes in work (e.g., remote work, job loss, retirement)
• Holidays or special occasions without loved ones
• Feeling like an outsider in social situations (e.g., new location, different beliefs)
• Boredom or lack of engaging activities
• Depression or emotional struggles
• Memories of happier times
• Feeling left out or disconnected in social settings
• Parenting challenges (e.g., single parenting, caring for a newborn)
• Lack of purpose or direction

Reactions to Loneliness

• Feelings of sadness, depression, or hopelessness
• Self-isolation or withdrawal
• Overthinking or dwelling on difficult memories
• Feeling like a burden or unimportant to others
• Emotional eating or unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Increased anxiety or fear of social rejection
• Difficulty breaking into social groups
• Struggling with self-worth or purpose

Ways People Alleviate Loneliness

• Social Engagement:
  • Calling or visiting friends and family
  • Joining clubs, book clubs, or social groups
  • Attending church or religious gatherings
  • Volunteering and helping others
  • Joining online communities or support groups
  • Signing up for classes or continuing education
• Hobbies & Activities:
  • Reading, arts and crafts, puzzles
  • Exercising (e.g., walking, biking, yoga)
  • Listening to music or podcasts
  • Watching TV or playing video games
  • Cooking or baking
  • Spending time in nature
  • Going to movies, coffee shops, or bookstores
• Mindset Shifts & Coping Strategies:
  • Therapy or talking to a counselor
  • Practicing gratitude and recalling happy memories
  • Changing thought patterns (e.g., reminding oneself loneliness is temporary)
  • Establishing a daily routine
  • Praying or engaging in spiritual practices
• Physical & Environmental Changes:
  • Getting fresh air and sunshine
  • Spending time with pets
  • Keeping busy with home organization or chores
  • Planning meals and maintaining a structured lifestyle

Where to Start

U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy has said that the keys to connection are simple.  He suggests four things to help alleviate loneliness, saying,  "These steps may seem small, but they are extraordinarily powerful."

• Answer a phone call from a friend
• Invite someone over to share a meal
• Listen and be present during conversation

• Seek out opportunities to serve others

Recipe for Friendship

Having friends and consistently interacting with them helps us in so many ways.  But what do we do to help grow a friendship?  Sociologists have identified the ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends: continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability​​.  The ingredients of friendship are:

• Affection
• Commitment
• ​Encouragement
• Forgiveness
• Kindness
• Laughter
• Listening
• Patience
• Reciprocity
• Respect
• Support
• Trust
• Understanding ​​​

Check out this article about making close friendships

Finding groups or activities you enjoy in the community, through a club, church, continuing education, or volunteer organization can sometimes feel overwhelming; setting small goals can make starting easier and more comfortable. Whatever and however you decide to try to work through your loneliness, be gentle and patient with yourself.

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One of the best ways to find people you may want to have as a friend, is to start with a common interest. Identifying your interests is an inward journey, and it relies on looking at yourself and what you value in life. 

1. First identify your interests.  What do you enjoy? What helps you to feel good about your life?  What are your goals? 
2. Next find your tribe -those people who share an interest with you.  Find the places where these people can be found and discover ways that you can participate with them. 

Remember to consider those you already know.

How to identify your interests

​Not sure what you're interested in? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help identify your interests:
​

• What energizes you?
• What are you good at?  
• What would you like to get better at?  
• What are your values?
• What feels like a possibility and provokes a positive emotion?
• What do you want to represent your life once you am gone?
• Do you want to help others in some way?
• What interested you as a child/young person?

Points to remember​

• We all need to be intentional about building and fostering social connections in our life, this needs to be a consistent vital priority. 
• There is a difference between experiencing loneliness and experiencing solitude.  Philosopher, Paul Tillich, defined them well.  "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone. 
• Across age groups, people are spending less time with each other in person, and there is a pervasive decline in the social fabric of our lives.  In recent decades, people are participating much less in things that used to bring us together, from community organizations to recreational leagues and faith groups, and the lack of the face-to-face sociability that those activities brought, has contributed to a sense of being disconnected and lonely.  
• Loneliness is often not constant -it tends to ebb and flow, sometimes coming and going at random.
  
• Technology can be a valuable tool in helping to reduce loneliness and can be beneficial in forming and maintaining relationships.  But the amount of time spent in front of a screen can take away from the time that is needed to grow friendships and other beneficial relationships. What is important isn't how many friendships and relationships we have online or in person, but the quality of them. 
• Dedicating time to fostering positive relationships is the key to reducing loneliness; making this a priority in our lives will not only make us as individuals happier, but will help create a healthier community.

Make friends while doing good!

Whether you live in the Village of Kenmore or not, we're here to help. The Kenmore Village Improvement Society (KVIS) is a group of people just like you who volunteer to help make our neck of the woods as good as possible in as many ways as needed.  So many friendships have grown through participating in the KVIS.  We find that friendships grow naturally as we work together on loving up on our community; we're not focused on growing friendships, it's just what happens as we work together.  We welcome you to join in and make new friends along the way!  We welcome people from all communities and walks of life.  Membership to the KVIS is free and open to anyone, living anywhere, who cares about Kenmore.

Volunteer and learn more about the Kenmore Village Improvement Society. 

This website is made possible by a grant from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and by Erie County, NY, Legislator, Michael Kooshoian.